Wargasmic!

WANTED

Where is it playing?: Fremont, Park, Stadium 10

What's it rated?: R

What's it worth?: $20.00 (see it twice) (Steve)

What's it worth?: $8.00 (Glen)

A neurotic accounts manager named Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is living his pathetic humdrum life when he meets Fox (Angelina Jolie), a beautiful woman in black, who’s come to protect him from the man who just killed his father. Soon Fox realizes Wesley has the same “gift” that got his father killed, so he’s recruited into a secret society of assassins whose leader, Sloan (Morgan Freeman), teaches Wesley the ways of the group. (110 min.)

Glen Sometimes a movie, especially a really action-packed and violent one, can kick the audience’s ass, leaving them just as bloodied and bruised as the bad guys who naturally must get their comeuppance. This is such a movie. I feel pummeled! The action is waaaay over-the-top in a fun, cartoon way. If you liked Shoot ‘Em Up and Smokin’ Aces, you’ll like this even more, because it’s like those movies but even crazier! On the other hand, if gratuitous hardcore violence—for instance shooting a hole in a guy’s skull and then shooting a bunch more bad guys as the barrel of your gun sticks through the hole—seems a bit too much for you, you’re going to hate Wanted. It’s a rat-infested, blood-drenched, thrill ride! Me likey!

Steve Dear Angelina, my name is Steve and I live in San Luis Obispo. I am 37 years old, 6’3”, 220 pounds, somewhat smart, and a seemingly okay photographer. I don’t make much money, I live in a one-bedroom apartment, drive a 16-year-old car, and I have never really been good in relationships. I smoke and I drink, but I have no other bad habits, except maybe not cleaning my apartment as much as I should. I am good with kids and I was adopted. If Brad ever pisses you off and you want to escape, bring the kids along and we can go to the beach for a long walk at sunset. I can cook really well and I can be intense at times, so if you want to take a few steps down, gimme a ring at 555-3586. (But seriously, my e-mail is down below.) OMFG, thank you for this movie! I am such a fan of action movies that are awesome, and this was like a blessing from the movie godz. I had previously seen Timur Bekmambetov’s movies, Day Watch and Night Watch, both of which were incredibly well done and original without the money of Hollywood, so it seems a natural that he would come into his own with the money backing him. This movie is in the league of awesomeness with 300, Gladiator, Underworld, etc. Start to finish, an over-the-top effort from the intense score, the cinematography, the out-of-this-world action and premise, all standing on a foundation of a story that is absurdly unbelievable, yet solid as the Rock of Gibraltar.

Glen Okay, Tarzan, keep that cheetah in your pants. This is a great actioner, but you’re gushing like you just saw Lawrence of Arabia. Ultimately, this movie is inane: curving bullets, flipping cars to score an upside down kill, surviving train wrecks? No way. What makes it great in my book is its sense of humor. Wesley is a simpering wimp, a guy who’s berated by his bitchy boss and wholly disrespected by his girlfriend and best friend, who are having an affair. When Wesley finally fights back, smashing his best friend’s face in with an ergonomically correct keyboard, the action slows à la The Matrix, and we see the broken keys forming the words “FUCK YOU” in midair along with a flying tooth. Inspired, I agree, but hardly worth filling your shorts with man juice, Miller! As for the scrawny-looking Jolie, she needs to eat a few more doughnuts. The only reason she’s so hard to kill is that she disappears when she turns sideways.

Steve Well Glen, Angelina’s skinniness is the reason why I told her I can cook! WOW! I did not see the key thing; I am so stupid and sad! Take my cameras as I cannot observe! By the way, comparing this to Lawrence of Arabia is like comparing your music writing to Rolling Stone’s writers—apples and oranges. The whole movie is an absurdity, but absurdity done to the best degree is shorts-filling for sure! The start of the movie reminded my of the great ’80s teen angst flicks: the narration by the protagonist, the rise of wealth, the rebellion against the boring life, the revenge! The humor definitely was there, too. As Angelina kissed Wesley in front of his girlfriendish woman, I had to snicker about Jennifer Aniston. Sorry Jen. All of the movie producers, directors, actors, grips, best boys, moneymen/women, advertisers, brown-nosers should watch this movie to see how an action movie should be made. They then should calculate: If their production is 70 percent as good, they get a C, 80 percent ... well, you all know the rest.

Glen I’m not comparing the film to Lawrence of Arabia (you can’t read, either). I’m suggesting that your overblown reaction to such a lightweight movie should be reserved for more important films. This little powder keg of a popcorn flick is fun, but hardly worth going bonkers over. I was impressed by a lot of the set pieces and stunts: the car chases, train sequences, and Wesley’s inventive final infiltration into an assassins’ den, where he’s shooting people left and right and dropping his empty weapons to scoop up his victims’ full ones, were all beyond cool. But let’s not act as if this is a movie for the ages. In 50 years, film students aren’t going to be sitting around discussing it. It’s a great way to spend a couple of hours in a totally unbelievable world watching the impossible unfold before your eyes. In fact, the only thing more impossible than what happens in this movie is if Angelina takes you up on your offer.

Steve I live for the moment, man. If she takes me up on my offer, you’d better bet that I’ll become the most awesome house-husband the world has ever seen. Look, regardless of the message, the thrills from this movie exceed everything combined, movie wise, that I’ve seen in the last year (except re-runs at home). The only movie that could deliver a better slap to my head this summer, hopefully, will be the new Batman flick. I guess I can sum it up like this: With all the movies that I’ve seen, with all the car chases and stunts I’ve seen, this movie does it better. When you take a genre that is so predictable, so staid, so stupid most of the time, and jack it up to this magnitude—it is a must see … twice.

Glen Starkey is a New Times staff writer and Steve Miller is New Times’ staff photographer. Comment at gstarkey@newtimesslo.com and semiller@newtimesslo.com.